hateful

I love how I wasn't updated on my moms hospital status before it was plastered on Facebook.

stressed

Moms on the hospital.  I think she's faking. I feel guilty about my feelings, but it's how I feel.  I love her with all my heart, I just don't know how to deal with her.  She keeps "going out", passing out I guess.  Maybe I just don't understand. #stressed

Mom is mean, really, really mean.

Just realized I think I only come here to cry, whine and complain!  Welp! No sense in changing things up!  I'm in a little pain this morning.  Woke up at 5:00am to throbbing pain in my right shoulder, but after a bit of time with the heating pad and some Advil, I feel a little better.  My plan is to go to the grocery store this morning and get some couponing done.  We will see how that goes!  It's supposed to be 90' today.  In October.  Really?  Can we get a little fall weather please?  I miss Cliff like crazy, but need some alone time too.  This is good for us while I am waiting for insurance to kick in.  I'm not exactly the nicest person when I have no medication and I admit that I probably am the meanest to Cliff.  I'm sure it's because he's the one who will take my shit from me but only so much.  He knows right when to back off.

The other "big" thing in my life is planning my mother's 60th birthday party.  Not happy about this but feel obligated since we threw one for my Pop, who is my stepfather.  Mom is mean, really, really mean.  I have a strong feeling that during this party I will be humiliated by her, or my sister.  My sister decides this party will take place on Oct. 19th, which is also a date when my club was going to throw a haunted hayride.  That also means that many people invited who show up because they have prior plans to go to the haunted hayride.  So I have to give up the thing I want to do for the thing that I REALLY do not want to do.  My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease a few months ago so now my sister thinks that everything she says and does is excusable, but the doctors says as long as she takes the medication as directed she should see no symptoms.  So is she not taking her meds or is just a hateful woman?  We will see I guess.

Anyway....off to finish couponing. PEACE!

Sitting in the Holiday Inn Express playing Facebook games and eating my way through the day

Sitting in the Holiday Inn Express playing Facebook games and eating my way through the day. 

There is a gym downstairs, I should utilize it!  My legs hurt, my neck hurts and I'm extra tired.  I hate this Fibromyalgia!  Poor Clifford was confronted yesterday and asked if he was fired for sexual harassment.  Really?  That means that someone at home has talked to someone at Sheetz.  WTF.  This will never end, I'm sure of that.  So now we will just stress until the stress kills us, one way or another.  I wish I could find a cure for the Fibro or find a legitimate computer job that will allow me to sit and work as I can.  That will probably never happen either.  I just wanna live our lives like normal people!  My emotions are in an uproar today, I cant stand it!!

I really wonder if everyone who keeps a journal, or diary actually writes everything they want to.

7:37am.  My first thought after a VERY restless night?  Go outside and get the papers!  Get the neighbors too, those fools probably don't even know how to read!  The neighbor to my right has moved out and the neighbor to my left leaves piles of newspapers until they eventually throw them out!  Well, no sense in that when I can use those coupons!  I open up one of the papers and JACKPOT!  Four inserts in one of them!  YES!  These are the things that make me happy which, in turn makes me motivated.  Laundry started and dishes started! Life is good.  Better than yesterday anyway.  Yesterday, I had so much anxiety that I actually went back to bed, no sleep, of course but was hoping to feel better.  Today I have almost no anxiety, but I can feel the beginnings of some painful legs.  Screw you fibromyalgia!  On a completely different note.  I really wonder if everyone who keeps a journal, or diary actually writes everything they want to.  I don't.  Ever since my very first little, purple, lockable diary at 11 years old, I have never wrote everything I wanted to.

  How liberating it would be if I could, but that worry that the wrong person would find my words and they might ruin my life freaks me out!  On that note, there are many, many thoughts stuck inside the file folders in my head.

Peace I'm out!

She stresses me out so bad. I just never know when she will be a loose cannon and blow.

Heading out to Aunt Debbie's house to visit before we head to Wing Night.  A few girls from my motorcycle club volunteer to cook/serve wings at the local VFW every Thursday night in exchange for 2 hours once a month for meeting space.  We have a blast, too bad we don't get paid for it. =)  My sister texted me and told me that my mom will be there.  She stresses me out so bad.  I just never know when she will be a loose cannon and blow.  My brother is in town for a few hours.  He's in the U.S. Air Force and we rarely see him.  It's been two years almost exactly since I've seen him and I was about 110lbs heavier.  Kinda excited to show of the new me, but stressed about this fucked up broke tooth I have in the front of my face right now.  He'd be the one to call me out.  So that's my big stressor right now.  Whatever!  It is what it is.  I spend an hour or two and go on home.

I've never kept a close friend close for more than 5 years.

O.C. Bike Week last week was AMAZING.  Some ups and downs, but whatever.  We had a great time and I feel like I made some new forever friends.  That's always a plus for me since I've never kept a close friend close for more than 5 years.  Why? Who knows.  I'm just one of those people.  As I get older, I think about that often, whether or not it's important to have "forever friends".  I think it is, but I'm not 100% sold on the idea.  On that note, some pretty close friends are looking at the house next door.  Would that be good or bad?  Probably both.  I like my space.  At times, I am a hermit and don't want to be bothered for days at a time.  Other times, I would prefer my phone to steadily drive me crazy with text messages and for my facebook to be blown up with new notifications.  Anyway, Clifford is away at work, only 3 nights this week since Monday and Tuesday were vacay days.  I try to go with him every other week since this house would probably fall down or explode if I went every week.  Kait is a hot damn mess, with her lazy ass.  I feel bad for her roommate if she ever moves out, cause wow, old girl is not a housekeeper, that's for sure!  Aside from that, I think she is becoming an amazing adult.  She's going to college 3 days a week and working the other 4.  She has her drivers license and is hardly every home, living a good young adult life and making memories.  She does, however check in and get permission before doing practically anything with her friends.  She respects me like that.  I think that's pretty cool.  Anyway, feeling ok I guess, kinda blah, but ok.

 

Adios, until next time.....whenever that might be. -hugs

I got some sleep! Thank you Advil PM

Woke up in a better mood today, probably because I got some sleep!  Thank you Advil PM.  Got up and straightened up the house a little.  Still have to huge containers of grapes staring at me, but I'm not ready to deal with them yet.

  Cliff's mom want's me to go get a mani-pedi with her today, but I'm just not feeling up to it, as much as I'd love to.  Instead, I will stay here and cry and whine to myself and watch Dr. Phil all day.  Cliff just called and wanted to run down his entire workday to me, but when I start complaining about how I feel, he decides he's gotta go back to work and will call me after he gets off.  Everyone kinda does that to me.  I guess they are all just tired of hearing me whine all the time.  I must admit, I am definitely I whiner!  I'm thinking of having a "Friday Dinner" with friends like we used to do, but I don't know how I will feel come Friday, so we will see.  I DON'T want to drive to bike week next week, but I feel like I have to so that a friend and her daughter doesn't have to drive.  I always get myself into these situations.  I haven't really rode the bike at all this summer and this would be my chance, but I'll probably drive because I always put others ahead of myself.  I need to get stronger.  I think I may need a psychiatrist, seriously.  Secretly.  I wouldn't want anyone to know.

I LOVE my coffee 'cause I love pooping

So it's only 11:22am but I gotta tell you, I LOVE my coffee 'cause I love pooping.  I know, I know TMI but, when you only go once a week if you're lucky, hey! it's a significant part of your day! 

Now back to your regularly scheduled bitch session.  Grapes.  I have fucking grapes all over the damn place.  Not literally, but there are 2 huge containers full.  All sent over from Cliff's mom's personal vines.  I guess I'm supposed to make jelly, but frankly I just don't feel like it.  I'm pissy, grouchy, whiney and I wanna go back to bed and stay there, but what I'll actually do is sit here with this laptop on the couch for a bit, with my aching legs and burning neck and back, and then get up and suffer through more cleaning and eventually GRAPE JELLY! Not happy.

Do I need to go back on my Prozac???? Maybe

So...I'm back already!  Do I need to go back on my Prozac???? Maybe!  So Mr. Lazy as Hell decided he's exhausted from sleeping 'til 9:30 and the sitting in his "spot" on the couch playing his stupid farm game! GAAHHHHH!!! Off to do laundry!

Gimme a break!

Gimme a break! God, I feel like Nell Carter! These people I call my family are lazy as fuck!  It's Sunday (fun day) and I'm cleaning up after everyone.  My fibromyalgia is KILLING me today.  Cliff is away Monday thru Friday now, for his new job at Sheetz so I've been going with him every other week. 

 
I'm the only one in the house that does not clock in and out of a job so I do EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE! You'd think that when they see me folding laundry or making the bed or standing at the sink doing the dishes and bawling they'd help.  HELL NO!  they sure do not. I sure am glad I have myself to vent to.  Thank you blogger.com!

I hate being inside myself!  I can't take it!  One minute I'm extra happy, the next just livid.  Bi-polar

Woke up fucking crazy

Woke up fucking crazy!  Cliff got fired over a month ago for, of all things sexual harassment.  Of course he didn't do it but I'm struggling with that too.  I don't know what the hell goes on when I'm not around.  Who does?  Anyway, that's a whole other thing that I don't want to think about right now.  He starts at Sheetz on Friday.  I love that man with all my heart and soul, but I need a little space and time to miss and appreciate him.  I'm writing today, because I gotta get it out.  What do I gotta get out?  I don't know, but something.  I'm all but positive its bi-polar but it could be the Fibro.  Kait will be 18 in exactly one month and its killing me.  I have made an excellent "normal" friend in Sandy.  I love that chick.  She grounds me and helps me see the positive.  The kind of friend that I feel like I try to be.  I want to love Jen as my best friend, but I just cant do it.  I feel like I'm calling her my best friend because I want Junior in my life.  She's so selfish and makes everything a out her and her life.  I hate some of the things she says, it hurts.  I just wish I could find that one freakin life long friend!  I think that could be Sandy but we will see.  Right now, at this very moment, I feel like my mental breakdown has come to a peak and I'm starting to come down.  The positive people in my life are all texting me.  Sandy, Clifford, Kait, and Marcia (Mom).  I love them. <3 and="" better...apologies="" cliff="" feel="" for="" get="" home.="" i="" kait="" listening...="" m="" nbsp="" ok="" out="" p="" thanks="" they="" when="">
Love,
     Me

I always feel extra happy after an Hogs and Heroes meeting or event.  Mostly everyone is a joy to around, plus I feel popular.  We have a lot of events coming up for many great causes.  It makes my heart happy when the recipient of our efforts is so very grateful.   Cliff and I spent the morning in a volunteer leadership meeting at the Perry Point Veterans Hospital then the afternoon with my Mom and Pop and the evening at the meeting with our biker buddies.  All in all a pretty good day.  Tomorrow I plan to spend some time with my Kaity Bird, maybe so a little clearance shopping at Walmart in hops of finding some items to make raffle baskets with for some of these events.  I miss that kid.  Thursday, I will pack to get ready for my "girls weekend" with my family off to West Virginia.  Should be a riot.

Just give me my pain medication and sleeping pills so that we can all move on with MY life!

Kait is still gone.  I picked her up from her dad's house and took her to breakfast and shopping.  We had a good time.  I don't think she wanted to go back, but she's trying to stand her ground.  I feel very distant from my life.  I think that I am dealing with all these emotions by not dealing with them at all.  My fibromyalgia is killing me today.  I wish all doctors would educate themselves with this disease!  My new doctor makes feel like a damn drug addict.  Just give me my pain medication and sleeping pills so that we can all move on with MY life!  New doctor = start the all over again and do things HIS way.  Read my freakin records, idiot.  Continue with what works.  It's really that easy.

Tomorrow I have two meeting for my charity, Hogs and Heroes Foundation.  We are a group of motorcyclists that raise money for the families of fallen heroes, fire, public safety and wounded warriors.  I am the events coordinator.  Why?  I don't know.  I'm probably not the most stable person for this job, but I take it on, because I need something to obsess with, and the feeling of giving is nothing I can explain.  I don't agree with everything, but I love it.  It stresses me, but I love it.  That is all.

Note to self:  If you are lactose intolerant DO NOT eat ice cream and then take Ambien.  That is all.

I hate taking sides

I wish wishes could come true. I wish I could find one of those genie lamps and rub that sucker and a real genie would pop out and be like "3 wishes". The first thing I would wish for is that Kait's trichotillomania was gone and she had a head full of gorgeous natural hair. Second wish would to be rich, cliche', I know but what can I say, money makes the world go round and if you disagree, then you probably have money. My third wish would be to have infinite wishes, clever, I know! Things went kinda crazy today. I'm putting Kait's new hair in and we are talking about her going back to school after being suspended yesterday. How is she going to manage dealing with the girl who walked up behind her and punched her in the head? We are talking about it and Cliff adds his opinion, telling her she needs to wait for the girl to hit her again and then kick her ass, again. Kait disagrees and they get into a full on argument. I'm quiet. I usually take Kait's side because I'm so afraid of her going to live with her dad or hurting herself, but this time I am quiet, concentrating on put this hair in. They are arguing. I am thinking to myself, "here we go, this is about to get bad. Am I gonna have enough hair to finish, oh shit! Please let me have enough hair to finish". They continue arguing. I continue concentrating on not getting involved. Finally I throw the piece of hair I'm holding onto the counter and go into my bathroom. Kait follows me out and off to her room. We both slam our doors. I sit on the toilet even though I don't have to go. I listen. I hear them arguing and I put my hands over my face and stay frozen wondering if I'm going to cry like I usually do. No tears will come out. I stay frozen. Cliff comes into the bathroom and I'm still frozen. He asks if I'm ok and I say yes, still frozen. He tries to explain his view and I remove my hands and tell him I'm not taking sides and I don't want to get involved. He says something else and I repeat myself. He shuts the door and leaves. I get up and go to Kait's room and tell her to come out so that I can finish her hair. I noticed a huge black trash bag on her bed along with her backpack and purse. I know what this means. In this moment she's made enough that she thinks she wants to go and live with her dad now. This has always been my worst nightmare. Usually this would have called for a full bi-polar meltdown from me, but I maintain control and tell her we should finish her hair. We finish her hair. She returns to her room. I begin to clean just because I don't know what else to do. As I'm sorting laundry in comes Kait looking for more clothes undoubtedly to stuff in her already full black trash bag. I hug her and ask her not to shut me out. She reminds me that I didn't take up for her and I hear that she is crying, but I still can't cry. I hug a little tighter and then we let go and she returns to her room. Fastforward about two hours later and Kait has been picked up by her dad and Cliff is taking a nap and I am here, writing because I feel like I'm the only one who got hurt in this battle. I hate taking sides.

I'm so very proud of my Ravens

It's 1:38pm on 2/5/2013. The Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl on Sunday and I just finished watching the news coverage for the welcome home parade! Overwhelming! Ravens fans are absolutely amazing. The M&T Bank Stadium holds 70,000 fans and it was over full with fans lingering outside as well. I'm so very proud of my Ravens. Way to go guys and way to go fans for not acting like damn fools!

I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

So I'm sitting here after taking Kait to school, sick as hell (head cold) and have decided to throw Cliff a surprise 43rd birthday party. In two weeks. I love planning parties, and if anyone deserves it, it's my Clifford! Off I go, furiously texting my BFF to get this party planning started! As always, I can count on her. She's always there for me. Jenn. Jenn has only been my BFF for about 2 years. She's my grown up BFF. The family girl with relateable problems! Love her. Here we go, planning a Ravens themed birthday party for Cliff. I want a Ravens thong cake that I saw in the internet. We will see how that goes. Next, where to have this Ravens party. Maybe at the recreation room provided by the office of our mobile home park. For only $75 and a $200 deposit they will let you borrow their good sized party room. Just don't fuck up the walls like I did for Kait's 16th birthday part or you'll be running home and pulling out all your craft paints, mixing, mixing, mixing them to match the colors on the wall to replace the cheap paint you just pulled off with a little tape. What a nightmare. In the end, I did get my $200 deposit back with no mention of the little paint mishap. Success! So, onward with the party planning. Who to invite. I'm not friends with alot of Cliff's friends so I will need to depend on others to help me out with that. His mom, Marcia (I call her Mom) will most likely be a huge help as well as Jenn. She's pretty amazing too. I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

It's been almost a year and a half since I had my gastric bypass surgery. I'm down to approximately 132 pounds, that's a loss of about 114 pounds. I did get down to 124 at one point but, well... you know how that goes. I didn't really expect to get this low. My original goal was 140 pounds, which was a far-fetched goal at the time I made it. Yay me! Now I deal with other issues. I have zero ass, so whenever I sit on anything without a cushion I'm miserable because I'm sitting bone on chair, floor etc. I never thought that would be a serious issue. I really thought my fibromyalgia would get better with weight loss but, on some days I really believe it it worse. I thought that more weight equaled more pain, but I was wrong. It's just as bad, if not worse. Sleeping is no better either. I hate taking Ambien but, I hate not sleeping for days even more so I take the Ambien. I haven't written in so long, I feel a rush of things to wanting to explode out of my typing fingers! Where to start. Kait is 17 years old now. She got a temporary position at JCP (formally known as J.C. Penny) for the holidays. From October until the beginning of January my baby girl worked very hard earning her very own spending money and she was exhausted but relatively happy, I think. Of course, still lazy as hell, but I pick my battles. She's on the right track to graduate on time, taking many extra classes and getting extra help from a few caring educators at her school. She has her learners permit and since the Ravens won the Superbowl on Sunday, that will be paid for courtesy of a bet won by her Dad. She's still pulling her hair like crazy, but that's nothing compared to some of the other issues like college and driving. That feels a bit more "normal". Clifford is amazing as ever. He works and works and works to take care of us and he does a great job. He has finally got on to day shift so we get to sleep together every single night, although that also means I have to expect a "come on line" every single night as well. Most of the time I simply say "tomorrow" and usually uphold my promise the next bedtime with a little something. I have just dropped Kait off at school. I'm sitting her with the cats and the dogs, watching the news after frantically searching the internet to find this blog! I really thought I had lost it. I have had this overwhelming need to write for a few days now. I feel like if it's on the computer screen it's out of me. That's a good thing, I think. I'm hoping to make it a goal to come here at least once a day and type out the significant thing of the day. So that's it for now.