I should be dong much more around this house but....what can I say?

So....long time no, um .... type! Lets see, I should be doing more around this house bu whats new. I quit my job after surgery and I LOVE it! I'm home all day, beading. Yep started beading and I love that too. =)I should be dong much more around this house but....what can I say? My poor kitty, Liddel had a stillborn kitten 2 nights agon....very sad. Only one baby, weird. Now shes not feeling well, bless her heart! =(

Here is the link to my new jewelry..... I LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions.

I dont wanna make breakfast,or go to the store, or do Kaits hair.

Here we go with another one of those effin days! I stayed in my room all day yesterday,so did Kait, but shes sick. Cliff woke me up at 10:15 talkin about wanting to give me some love. Some love? Some love would be letting me freakin sleep...geez! I'm grouchy as hell! I wish everyone would just go somewhere! I know that sounds terrible but its how I feel. I dont wanna make breakfast,or go to the store, or do Kaits hair. I dont wanna shower or get out of bed. I think when Cliff goes back to work I'm going to send Kait to her Dads for a while. If I can hang in there that long! I just wanna be alone! I have a headache, my neck and shoulders are KILLING me and I have the poops from the laxative I took yesterday. My battery is about to die...I'm out.

Lose weight to get fat surgery, if thats not an oxymoron, I dont know what is

I'm so crazy...I really need to stop pretending that I dont need a psychiatrist...lol...cause I do! Anyway...got a lot of phone stuff done for surgery today. Then comes the fact that I have to "fudge" a food log all the way back to March! I suck! I started, then got mad at myself and stopped. I dislocated my knee at work in April so I've become addicted to stupid Facebook games and eating. I have gained weight and now that I'm back on track (appt.-wise) I need to lose about 15-20lbs. Lose weight to get fat surgery, if thats not an oxymoron, I dont know what is...lmao! ;)~ I'm so deprssed I dont know what to do with myself...just thought seeing some words in black and white might help.

Need someone. Need someone to care. Need someone to talk to. Need someone to listen. Need someone to not judge. I'm all alone.

Been awhile. I suck! Too much to catch up on. Had Knee surgery. Out of work. Going to P.T. Waiting on disability. Hubby home only 4 days a month. Bipolar moments out the ass. Fat surgery on hold until I can get this stupid knee working right. Need someone. Need someone to care. Need someone to talk to. Need someone to listen. Need someone to not judge. I'm all alone.

F.M.L.A.

Wow its been a whole week. I almost gave up altogether (just like I do with everything). I guess I'm kinda in a slump. No reason for it, just kinda blah. Kaity and I went to my cousin's (Junior) daughter's 1st birthday party. I didn't really feel like going, but I did. Of course, I had to pick Kaity up from her Dad's, where shes been for the last 4 days. I'd really like to know what the appeal is. Why she always wants to be there. My guess is that there are no rules, or he doesn't watch the kids like he should. Becky told me that Kaity confided in her and told her that on New Years Eve Shawn excused himself and took his "girlfriend"? up into the bedroom. That really pissed me off. I mean really, what are we in high school. There is a time and place for everything. Kaitys tutor finally started coming. I don't like her a bit. Shes too nosey. She wanted to take my 18y/o cat and get him "healthy". How freakin healthy can an 18y/o cat be? He's lucky to be alive at all! Whatever..... I took over the connection center at work today. So that means I have 2 depts to deal with. They aren't going to like me very much. I got a verbal coaching for my attendance. Then I went to personnel and had her print me the FMLA law, which basically if you have a child that is too sick to attend school the law applies to you. There is even a section that discusses "flare ups". So if she flips out and I have to call out of work, they cant hold it against me and they have to approve the absence. I just gotta get paperwork filled out by her doctors. Oh well..I'm done. Going to crochet and watch T.V. until Cliff gets home.

strive for the surgery!

Dazed and confused a bit. I got my phone consult with the nutritionist this afternoon and made my next 2 appts for my surgery....however....She did inform me that I cannot go under 226lbs and cannot go over 232. That's a 6lb window that I CANNOT deviate from in the next 6months! I guess I kinda expected it but its just a little disappointing. I have lost 6lbs in 3 days! I was on a roll...now what? The thing is....I have always lost weight dieting..and always gained it back, so I guess that I should definitely strive for the surgery!

princess dresses birthday party crocheted beanies shopping

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE! It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see! Ok...a little too bubbly this morning! Its ok though, I'm feeling good. Day 3 of the diet and I STILL feel confident. Imagine that! I am a bit concerned though, that I'll lose too much weight for the surgery. Right now I am just eligible for the gastric bypass with my weight, but we will see. Luckily the nutritionist weighed me before I lost much.

My sister, Becky, called last night. She wanted me to go shopping for princess dresses today. My cousins little girl, Marina, is turning 1 this weekend and she is having a GIGANTIC princess birthday party next weekend, so the kids are supposed to dress like princesses. Kinda cool, I guess, unless your 14! lol So, I'm waiting for her to get ready to go.

Kaity shocked me last night. Even though its the weekend and shes with her dad, she called and asked if she could come over for a few hours, since her sister, Shaunna
(9) was going with her mom. That was really nice. I crocheted beanies for Shaunna and Kaitys cousins, Kayla and Ashleigh. Shaunna got her last night and called and thanked me. That felt awesome! =) Shes a little sweetheart and she adores Kait.

I stayed up until about 3am this morning after getting up yesterday at 6am, then back up this morning at 8:45, ate breakfast and took my pill, started dishes and laundry and now I'm here. More later.....

Hatchlings, crocheting and watching Forensic Files.

One of my crocheted beanies...Kait loves them =)



Long peaceful day. =) I woke up at 6:00am with Cliff and laid in the bed til about
8, took my diet pill and retired to the couch for the day. I really thought the pill would give me more energy like it has in the past. I did do the dishes, but mostly I played Facebook games and crocheted all day. I have been VERY good with the eating part of the diet. I've recorded every single calorie I have ingested and both yesterday and today I have been right around 1300 calories. Doing good. =) Stupid game I started playing this morning has been down for hours. I hate that! You get addicted to the damn game then you cant play it! So I'm going back to Hatchlings, crocheting and watching Forensic Files. Nitey Nite!

Beast!

Me...before diet began.



So I went to The Doctors Weight Loss program with Cliff and Michele yesterday after work. Wow...actually learned alot. He put us all on phentermine. He told me I should be eating about 1400 calories a day and I weigh 235 freakin pounds! Grrrrr. I'm a beast!

So I started the Diet today. So far so good!

BREAKFAST - sm. cup of coffee w/ cream - 60 colories and a ham, egg, and cheese McMuffin - 380 calories.

LUNCH - smart ones beef and potatoes - 210, banana - 78, water - 0

DINNER - PB&J on wheat - 300, Raman noodles - 190

for a grand total of 1218 so far tonite that leaves me 182 calories for a snack.

There is leftover pizza in the fridge and I JUST now thought about it. On a regular day that shit would have been gone hours ago! lol ...I'm so motivated. I really hope that it lasts!

So me and Eva went to the nutritionist today. Unfortunately we were an hour late (my fault) I got the times wrong! So my appt. was cancelled and she got to go in so I went in with her. Shes approved!!! YES! The nutritionist, Geanine, went ahead and weighed me (232.8lbs) and measured my height (5'3"). That gives me a BMI (body mass index) of 41.1 which is enough to get approved!! =) Geanine is so cool, she told me not to worry about the appointment I rescheduled for Monday. She scheduled a phone consult for Monday...that was so nice. I'm praying I get approved! If I do we should be getting surgery around July or so. She seemed really pleased that Eva, and I are planning to do all this together! Even if I don't get approved...I'm going to be there for her no matter what. Anyway....I'm hopeful.

Kaity went with her Daddy, I got to see her for about 10mins this afternoon before going to the Dr. She's trying to count calories too. She's become so sophisticated in the last 2 weeks or so. Always dressing with hair and makeup before going out, carrying a purse, oh! and we got our nails done last night.

My weekend should be pretty peaceful. Kait with her Dad and Cliff has to work all weekend 7am to 8pm (poor guy).

more tomorrow...

Doctor Doctor

This is my friend Eva...love this girl!


It was an OK day, I guess. Kinda blah. FINALLY got finished with the store planning this morning (yay). Then got into spring cleaning the lab. The girls are probably gonna hate it but it needs to get done! I did get to leave at 1:00pm today, 3 hours early! =) So I took Kaity to the psychiatrist for meds. On the way home she mentioned that she wanted to move. I hope Cliff gets this job, but he hasn't heard a word about it yet. We stopped and she bought a new wig, its beautiful. I post a pic soon. Then she called her Dad and we dropped her off there on our way home then stopped at Burger King...I know, I know...the diet is screwed anyway. I have ZERO willpower! I did make an appointment for Eva and I to go to the nutritionist on Friday. I'm VERY happy about that. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment for me and Michele to go to the Fat Farm (diet Dr.) Came home and took a nap, now I feel like shit and probably wont sleep well tonite.

Missed a day

Whoops...I missed yesterdays blog post. Long day. Kaity came home around 5:15 on Sunday after a text that said that she decided that if Cliff gets this Shift Mgr job that she would be willing to move to Va. Initially she was dead sent against moving but I think shes starting to see a different side of her dad. So she came home which made me feel better instantly. We played Bunco and ate dinner, then she and I went to my room to snuggle and watch T.V. That's when her anxiety started. She wanted to pull (her hair) so badly, but deep down she didn't want to pull at all. She cried and asked me to hold her and hold her hands, which of course I did until she cried herself to sleep in my bed about an hour later. There is no feeling worse than not being able to do anything for your child when they are in pain. When I got up to tell Cliff to let me know when he was ready for bed so I could move her gently, she woke up and started crying again. She was upset that I was leaving the room, but I assured her I would be right back. I went out to talk to Cliff and, being the most amazing husband/dad in the world, he told me to leave her in there and just grab him a pillow and blanket and he'd stay on the couch. I told him that it wasn't necessary but he insisted saying that sometimes a girl needs her mom and tonite was Kait's night. I love him so much! So I kissed him goodnight and headed back to bed watching reruns of The Golden Girls and holding my baby so that she could rest. I believe I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but woke up at 3:00am to go to the bathroom, which of course woke her up. So we were up until about 4:00am then I had to get back up at 5:50am for work. She felt better then and asked me if she could be dropped off at my sisters which is about 2mins away. So she spent most of the day there. Now she is having pain in her back and stomach. Hopefully that is just girl issues (please!).

Still.....working on the stupid store planning crap! Geez will in ever end??? We should actually finish up the first half of the day tomorrow. We did present what we had to Rob (store mgr.) and he actually told us we did a really good job. (Very Cool). So that's that.....now I'm home for the night and about to crochet for a big. =)

sick and tired

I didnt even get outta bed yesterday at all. I feel like crap today too. Chills, stuffy nose, headache. Yuck! Kaity still isnt home. =( I miss her.

High Anxiety

I am having some seriously high anxiety!! I hate it! I just watched "The Cove". Terrible Terrible Terrible dolphin slaughtering going on in Taiji, Japan..sooo...sad! Tattoo doesnt even hurt a little, thats good! Didnt talk to Kaity at all today, thats bad. I miss her. I'm sad...depressed. A bipolar moment maybe, I dunno. Watching Forensic Files then The Golden Girls. The girls always seem to be there for me.....lol. I sometimes wish I had myself to talk to since I'm positive I'm the only one who understands me and thats only part of the time. I'm complicated, I think too much, too deeply. That bothers me sometimes. Sometimes I think about how quickly life is passing and it scares me. I should live for today and worry about dying when the time comes.

Blahhhhhh....

Well I did it. We met Michele at 1:00 and I got my tattoo. I'm a little disappointed that he didn't do it exactly the way Jess drew it but...he IS the artist. I'm happy with it though and I guess that's the most important thing. I ended up getting it on my upper back right above my tribal butterfly. Hopefully I can get a pic up soon.

I'm so blah now. I don't know why but I'm in such a funk. Bored... and I want bread and cake! Day one and I'm already feigning for my carbs. =( Oh well maybe I'll go look for a new game to download. Cliff has to work tomorrow and of course Kaity is still with her daddy so I'll be home alone.

Dieting SUCKS

ok...day one! No carbs is already kicking my ass! I got up around 8:30 and sat here at the computer trying to think of what is in the kitchen that doesnt have a lot of carbs...NOTHING! Finally at 11:30 I so hungry I gotta find something! Steak and onions! lol

Tattoo Day

So today is the day..."Tattoo Day"! Michele are meeting around 1:00 to get our tattoos. I'm so excited! Jess did a really good designing it! =) I'll post a pic later today.

Lots of changes today really. The Tattoo, the diet and the beginning of the gastric bypass, Kaits homeschool tudor, braces, motorcycle school and more travel for Cliff. One day at a time I guess.

Last night was a typical night for Cliff and me. Kaity was at her dads so we got a few movies ordered dinner (I can't believe it either), and stayed home. We watched the New York ball drop, kissed and I fell asleep....FUN FUN. I say that, but really I didnt want too much more than that anyway. Being big REALLY brings you down, well brings ME down.

My back still hurts...I swear the pain comes from the bones back there but Dr. Rana swears it doesnt so......what can I do?