Get me outta here 

They meant to

They meant to be there for me, I guess life got in the way.

To cry or not to cry that is the question

When you cry out for help but are being ignored because they think if they don't acknowledge it, it won't be blown out of proportion ? I'm lost! And confused.

Silence

Why are we driving in complete silence?  Am I that scary?

Maybe it's me. Probably is.

...any another thing, why is it so fucking difficult to actually find a person who I can trust 100%?  A true "friend" I guess?  Every time I think I have, I'm wrong.  I just want that best friend who is like my other half.  The person I talk to every single day, who tells me when Im wrong or has my back when I'm right.  Maybe it's me. Probably is.

Everything is pissing me off. Bi-polar? Hmmph!?! On a brighter note...

I hate everybody today.  Everything is pissing me off.  Bi-polar? Hmmph!?! I should get up and go take some meds.  On a brighter note...house is almost sparkling =)

I got all new meds yesterday and felt optimistic. Now today I feel like total crap. I'm arty went back to bed. I'm arty feel like I failed my entire day. Already  thrown up. My anxiety is so out-of-control.  I need help and I'm afraid to ask for it because I don't know who to ask for from.  I don't want to die simply because I don't want to hurt my family but I don't want to exist anymore because my pain is too hard

If I don't blog this very second I may very well explode

If I don't blog this very second I may very well explode!  Cliff had to go back to work last night so of course Kait leaves and goes to her boyfriends house.  I've asked her several times to do things around this house and she does nothing!  I even told her last night that she HAD to do these things BEFORE she left.  Nothing done and still raided MY closet and left my shit all over the place.  With everything I've been going through lately I really expected her to be more supportive.  She's just not.  I know I'm the mom and she's the kid but she only seems to want to be an "adult" when it's convenient for her!  She's spending all her money on bullshit and then comes crying to me that she needs money for hair or meds!  I'm over it.

I had a terribly shitty night

After a pretty good day I had a terribly shitty night!  I had all intentions of using no meds and trying this you tube insomnia meditation rain thing I found.  Stupid thing had a tiny pause where it shouldn't have which made me realize it was on a loop and threw me into an anxiety attack so I took the meds =( grrr... no cutting though, but thought about it. 3 more wake-ups until BRD is home for good. =) happy.

I was a little disturbed to get slightly aroused by looking at it during

Already awake with anxiety on my mind. 😕 had a semi ok day yesterday.  Stayed in bed til 12:30 then fought anxiety attacks and crying fits allllll day. So exhausted.  Have not cut myself since the little mishap the other day but I do still have bright red scratch lines from before and when we were having sex last night I was a little disturbed to get slightly aroused by looking at it during. I literally have 2 Ativans left since I've been taking them every night and during daily anxiety attacks.  I'm going to have to call that Dr and fear the possibility of feeling judged as misusing which I'm def not.  My brain is broke. 😢 I think it would be awesome if there were one set of schematics for all brains then those brain docs could just rewire those of us who are defective. 😷 Then I could be NORMAL!! 👏 lol wishful thinking! 

Lots of blood wasn't really ready but enjoyed it anyway

I can hardly take this depression anymore.  I'm starting to prefer to just not exist anymore. Not gonna hurt myself bit have to admit I do fantasize about cutting here and there and have once.  I even bought an exacto.  When I went to open it I cut my finger lol.  Lots of blood,  wasn't really ready but enjoyed it anyway.  I'm sick.  Literally 

Anxiety hurts

Anxiety hurts, outside and inside, and everyone around you.

Why does my mother steadily make me feel guilty?

Why does my mother steadily make me feel guilty?  I seriously can't take it.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and it scares me and I'm not sure what to do.  She's so jealous of my relationships with other people that she can't stand it so she acts out.  I don't know how to handle that.  While I'm laying in the bed playing games and arguing with my mother, my old dog pisses under my bed. WTF.  This is where I lost it and gave up. Screamed a little, took my meds, cleaned up the piss, put on hubbies tshirt and rescheduled our dinner with our friends, because I just can't do it today.   I can't do anything. The dog is shaking now and I feel bad.

BFF

Christina Perry's only human = my BFF Jen 💙

Time to get out of the bed

I just want to thank my aunt Debbie and my best friend Jen for getting me up and out of the bed even though that's where I want to stay all day. I feel like my depression is out-of-control, and I don't know how to deal with it. My heart hurts so much. I want my mommy. She is so mean.

Feeling better

At aunt Debbie's....feeling better ❤️

Easter?

You know what fuck Easter .  So stressed the fuck out this morning. My mother can't decide she wants to do for Easter I want to be with my friends and my anxiety is level seven so not really sure what to do but getting very very anxious. Headed to my aunt Debbie's She always makes me feel better.

Better

It's getting better I think.  I finally went to the dr but still a lot of anxiety and not much sleep.

Whats wrong with me? I mean serioiusly? I cant take it. There is seriously something wrongwith n======================================================= fuckit

Whats wrong with me?  I mean serioiusly? I cant take it.  There is seriously something wrongwith n======================================================= fuckit

Hurt

I hurt I don't know why medication I need rest.  All that I want to do is lay in this bed and sleep until I feel better and I hate that I want to have a life of my life is this bed right now this medication and tired I miss cliff

My heart is starting to heal over the Baby

My heart is starting to heal over the Baby Kitty I guess.  His Mama helps A LOT!  Now on to a new heart break.  A girl in our chapter has transferred to another chapter w/o telling anyone until it was done.  My problem with this is that she and have talked VERY regularly for over a year about some pretty personal stuff and I really feel like if roles were reversed then I surely would have told my "friend" that I was thinking of a change.  It is what it is I guess, but my heart is definitely broken.  The sad part is that it's getting ugly between chapters.  I hate that.  I will tell you this, I will NOT ever support HNHDE4.  You will not see me at their events.  I'm completely over that.  Anyway, waiting for my truck key so that I may hit the store and do a little couponing today.  TTFN.

i suck

One of the kittens that survived for 27 days was brutally murdered by one of these fucking dogs.  I'm so devastated.  I feel like I'm totally over reacting but I can't help it. I cried all night and all day.  I keep picturing him with his bright blue eyes staring at me and it is VERY  haunting.  I should have stayed home.  I should have been here to save him.  I suck.

My anxiety is out of control. I need a doctor asap

My anxiety is out of control.  I need a doctor asap.  Why I haven't picked up the phone and made an appointment is beyond my comprehension (part of the disease I guess?). I need help. I came to Hanover with Cliff this week thinking that it would help to get away, but I have been here since Sunday night and today is Thursday, and I haven't left the bed but to go get Chinese food one night.  That's it.  And I just got on my computer today.  I want to disappear.  Not to die or hurt myself, that would be hurting the people I love and those who love me, no I just want to cease to exist altogether.  No more me. No more responsibilities. No more stress. No more problems. But for now, I'd be ok with the anxiety to go away, but first, I must make an appointment with a doctor.  Wish me luck.

We have babies!! After 6 stillborn kittens, my cat finally had 2 live babies!!  They are so beautiful!

grapes, cheese, yelliw roses, owls and green beans

Lost my Aunt Pat today.  Its so sad.  She makes me think of grapes and cheese, yellow roses, owls, green beans and just knowing that you knew she was right even when she was wrong.  She LOVED her family, but everyone knew there was a special place in her heart for her youngest son.  She also wasn't afraid to tell me or my first husband that our marriage would never work and as much as I hated hearing her say that, and as much as it enraged him, she was right.  I have so much I would like to get typed onto this page right now, at this very moment, but I'm laying here in this hotel bed after just throwing up too many pain pills and I'm on my phone, which makes it hard to "type".  So I'll stop here until I feel like actually getting the laptop out and going to town, or until I get my hands on that dragon speak to type thingamajig.  Either way, 'til later.

i wish I were a flea

I wish I were a little flea so that I could climb into the soft fur behind Abby's ear and fall fast asleep.

the sanctuary of this little space

Guess What!? They weren't in the trunk after all! They were in the back seat in my hba bag.  So I finished up my chapter. Popped a pill, then finished the book, continued with another book I had stopped in the middle of then took a nap....happily.  Now I'm in a great mood and my tingly legs are feeling a little better.  Much warmer too.  I have a lot on my mind  though. EBay, Birdie, HNH stuff, my mom and the ever knawing financial issues. More on that later. 30 minutes til hunny gets off work and we head home.  ( secretly hoping something ties him up so that the sanctuary of the little space in this car is prolonged a little).

better they are in the trunk!

I can't remember if I expressed my anxiety about having to drive Clifford to work and then back to pick him up but guess what, I DID IT! I missed the first exit on the way back to the hotel this morning but I gathered my composure and did it. Now I'm in the Sheetz parking lot 3 hours before he gets off waiting. I like being stuck in the car though. I don't know why, but I do. So now I sit with my cracked kindle totally relaxing and trying to decide if I should venture out into the 16' temperature to get myself a pain pill.  If only I would have counted them before I packed them away in trunk.  That would have totally made up my mind. I'll just sit here and read for a while until those pills overpower the words on the pages of my book.  Better they are in the trunk.

Christmas sucked!

I'm loving that I can just blog whenever I please! Ok.. Major updates.  I'm guessing that I should have read my last blog to see where I ended. 

Christmas SUCKED this year.  I mean totally freaking sucked! Kait got $200 off her car balance and $190 toward a new hair piece that she wan and a few very small gifts. The boys got nothing (not the the disrespect for their father has earned them anything anyway).  We didn't even get our families anything with the exception of Savannah  and that was a bracelet that I got for her at bike week in September.  I wrapped up a few little things that I had found a while ago for Marina and Shy Shy and I gave Sandy, Jen and Melissa a little bag of some stuff I couponed for. I had intended to give that stuff to my Mom and sisters but frankly, those girls have been why more to me than my family. I have my issues with all of them but there is no doubt in my mind that they wouldn't do anything for  me, and me
for them. I just love them. My HNH have changed my life for the good and for the bad. I LOVE the new me. I'm actually doing some things to help keep the world spinning and it makes me feel AMAZING. However....my family hates them. . They think I put HNH before them, which mostly I do, but if you could stand in the sunshine or the rain which would you choose?  Right!! Anyway...took some pain and sleeping pills and want to read myself to sleep some I have to drive Clifford to work in the AM. (not happy) I hate driving in unfamiliar territory.  Talk about anxiety!! More tomorrow! Night!

holla back

Ha! Finally  that shit worked!! What what!?! Now I'll be blogging like a MF'er! =D so, new goal!!! FOLLOWERS!! SO HOLLA BACK! Gimme a hey, how ya doin, fuck you or sumpin!!! Thanks I. Advance!

does ot work?

I have been trying and trying to get this blogging business on my phone for some time now.  Lets see if it works!