To cry or not to cry that is the question

When you cry out for help but are being ignored because they think if they don't acknowledge it, it won't be blown out of proportion ? I'm lost! And confused.

Silence

Why are we driving in complete silence?  Am I that scary?

Maybe it's me. Probably is.

...any another thing, why is it so fucking difficult to actually find a person who I can trust 100%?  A true "friend" I guess?  Every time I think I have, I'm wrong.  I just want that best friend who is like my other half.  The person I talk to every single day, who tells me when Im wrong or has my back when I'm right.  Maybe it's me. Probably is.

Everything is pissing me off. Bi-polar? Hmmph!?! On a brighter note...

I hate everybody today.  Everything is pissing me off.  Bi-polar? Hmmph!?! I should get up and go take some meds.  On a brighter note...house is almost sparkling =)

I got all new meds yesterday and felt optimistic. Now today I feel like total crap. I'm arty went back to bed. I'm arty feel like I failed my entire day. Already  thrown up. My anxiety is so out-of-control.  I need help and I'm afraid to ask for it because I don't know who to ask for from.  I don't want to die simply because I don't want to hurt my family but I don't want to exist anymore because my pain is too hard

If I don't blog this very second I may very well explode

If I don't blog this very second I may very well explode!  Cliff had to go back to work last night so of course Kait leaves and goes to her boyfriends house.  I've asked her several times to do things around this house and she does nothing!  I even told her last night that she HAD to do these things BEFORE she left.  Nothing done and still raided MY closet and left my shit all over the place.  With everything I've been going through lately I really expected her to be more supportive.  She's just not.  I know I'm the mom and she's the kid but she only seems to want to be an "adult" when it's convenient for her!  She's spending all her money on bullshit and then comes crying to me that she needs money for hair or meds!  I'm over it.

I had a terribly shitty night

After a pretty good day I had a terribly shitty night!  I had all intentions of using no meds and trying this you tube insomnia meditation rain thing I found.  Stupid thing had a tiny pause where it shouldn't have which made me realize it was on a loop and threw me into an anxiety attack so I took the meds =( grrr... no cutting though, but thought about it. 3 more wake-ups until BRD is home for good. =) happy.

I was a little disturbed to get slightly aroused by looking at it during

Already awake with anxiety on my mind. 😕 had a semi ok day yesterday.  Stayed in bed til 12:30 then fought anxiety attacks and crying fits allllll day. So exhausted.  Have not cut myself since the little mishap the other day but I do still have bright red scratch lines from before and when we were having sex last night I was a little disturbed to get slightly aroused by looking at it during. I literally have 2 Ativans left since I've been taking them every night and during daily anxiety attacks.  I'm going to have to call that Dr and fear the possibility of feeling judged as misusing which I'm def not.  My brain is broke. 😢 I think it would be awesome if there were one set of schematics for all brains then those brain docs could just rewire those of us who are defective. 😷 Then I could be NORMAL!! 👏 lol wishful thinking! 

Lots of blood wasn't really ready but enjoyed it anyway

I can hardly take this depression anymore.  I'm starting to prefer to just not exist anymore. Not gonna hurt myself bit have to admit I do fantasize about cutting here and there and have once.  I even bought an exacto.  When I went to open it I cut my finger lol.  Lots of blood,  wasn't really ready but enjoyed it anyway.  I'm sick.  Literally