I always feel extra happy after an Hogs and Heroes meeting or event.  Mostly everyone is a joy to around, plus I feel popular.  We have a lot of events coming up for many great causes.  It makes my heart happy when the recipient of our efforts is so very grateful.   Cliff and I spent the morning in a volunteer leadership meeting at the Perry Point Veterans Hospital then the afternoon with my Mom and Pop and the evening at the meeting with our biker buddies.  All in all a pretty good day.  Tomorrow I plan to spend some time with my Kaity Bird, maybe so a little clearance shopping at Walmart in hops of finding some items to make raffle baskets with for some of these events.  I miss that kid.  Thursday, I will pack to get ready for my "girls weekend" with my family off to West Virginia.  Should be a riot.

Just give me my pain medication and sleeping pills so that we can all move on with MY life!

Kait is still gone.  I picked her up from her dad's house and took her to breakfast and shopping.  We had a good time.  I don't think she wanted to go back, but she's trying to stand her ground.  I feel very distant from my life.  I think that I am dealing with all these emotions by not dealing with them at all.  My fibromyalgia is killing me today.  I wish all doctors would educate themselves with this disease!  My new doctor makes feel like a damn drug addict.  Just give me my pain medication and sleeping pills so that we can all move on with MY life!  New doctor = start the all over again and do things HIS way.  Read my freakin records, idiot.  Continue with what works.  It's really that easy.

Tomorrow I have two meeting for my charity, Hogs and Heroes Foundation.  We are a group of motorcyclists that raise money for the families of fallen heroes, fire, public safety and wounded warriors.  I am the events coordinator.  Why?  I don't know.  I'm probably not the most stable person for this job, but I take it on, because I need something to obsess with, and the feeling of giving is nothing I can explain.  I don't agree with everything, but I love it.  It stresses me, but I love it.  That is all.

Note to self:  If you are lactose intolerant DO NOT eat ice cream and then take Ambien.  That is all.

I hate taking sides

I wish wishes could come true. I wish I could find one of those genie lamps and rub that sucker and a real genie would pop out and be like "3 wishes". The first thing I would wish for is that Kait's trichotillomania was gone and she had a head full of gorgeous natural hair. Second wish would to be rich, cliche', I know but what can I say, money makes the world go round and if you disagree, then you probably have money. My third wish would be to have infinite wishes, clever, I know! Things went kinda crazy today. I'm putting Kait's new hair in and we are talking about her going back to school after being suspended yesterday. How is she going to manage dealing with the girl who walked up behind her and punched her in the head? We are talking about it and Cliff adds his opinion, telling her she needs to wait for the girl to hit her again and then kick her ass, again. Kait disagrees and they get into a full on argument. I'm quiet. I usually take Kait's side because I'm so afraid of her going to live with her dad or hurting herself, but this time I am quiet, concentrating on put this hair in. They are arguing. I am thinking to myself, "here we go, this is about to get bad. Am I gonna have enough hair to finish, oh shit! Please let me have enough hair to finish". They continue arguing. I continue concentrating on not getting involved. Finally I throw the piece of hair I'm holding onto the counter and go into my bathroom. Kait follows me out and off to her room. We both slam our doors. I sit on the toilet even though I don't have to go. I listen. I hear them arguing and I put my hands over my face and stay frozen wondering if I'm going to cry like I usually do. No tears will come out. I stay frozen. Cliff comes into the bathroom and I'm still frozen. He asks if I'm ok and I say yes, still frozen. He tries to explain his view and I remove my hands and tell him I'm not taking sides and I don't want to get involved. He says something else and I repeat myself. He shuts the door and leaves. I get up and go to Kait's room and tell her to come out so that I can finish her hair. I noticed a huge black trash bag on her bed along with her backpack and purse. I know what this means. In this moment she's made enough that she thinks she wants to go and live with her dad now. This has always been my worst nightmare. Usually this would have called for a full bi-polar meltdown from me, but I maintain control and tell her we should finish her hair. We finish her hair. She returns to her room. I begin to clean just because I don't know what else to do. As I'm sorting laundry in comes Kait looking for more clothes undoubtedly to stuff in her already full black trash bag. I hug her and ask her not to shut me out. She reminds me that I didn't take up for her and I hear that she is crying, but I still can't cry. I hug a little tighter and then we let go and she returns to her room. Fastforward about two hours later and Kait has been picked up by her dad and Cliff is taking a nap and I am here, writing because I feel like I'm the only one who got hurt in this battle. I hate taking sides.

I'm so very proud of my Ravens

It's 1:38pm on 2/5/2013. The Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl on Sunday and I just finished watching the news coverage for the welcome home parade! Overwhelming! Ravens fans are absolutely amazing. The M&T Bank Stadium holds 70,000 fans and it was over full with fans lingering outside as well. I'm so very proud of my Ravens. Way to go guys and way to go fans for not acting like damn fools!

I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

So I'm sitting here after taking Kait to school, sick as hell (head cold) and have decided to throw Cliff a surprise 43rd birthday party. In two weeks. I love planning parties, and if anyone deserves it, it's my Clifford! Off I go, furiously texting my BFF to get this party planning started! As always, I can count on her. She's always there for me. Jenn. Jenn has only been my BFF for about 2 years. She's my grown up BFF. The family girl with relateable problems! Love her. Here we go, planning a Ravens themed birthday party for Cliff. I want a Ravens thong cake that I saw in the internet. We will see how that goes. Next, where to have this Ravens party. Maybe at the recreation room provided by the office of our mobile home park. For only $75 and a $200 deposit they will let you borrow their good sized party room. Just don't fuck up the walls like I did for Kait's 16th birthday part or you'll be running home and pulling out all your craft paints, mixing, mixing, mixing them to match the colors on the wall to replace the cheap paint you just pulled off with a little tape. What a nightmare. In the end, I did get my $200 deposit back with no mention of the little paint mishap. Success! So, onward with the party planning. Who to invite. I'm not friends with alot of Cliff's friends so I will need to depend on others to help me out with that. His mom, Marcia (I call her Mom) will most likely be a huge help as well as Jenn. She's pretty amazing too. I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

It's been almost a year and a half since I had my gastric bypass surgery. I'm down to approximately 132 pounds, that's a loss of about 114 pounds. I did get down to 124 at one point but, well... you know how that goes. I didn't really expect to get this low. My original goal was 140 pounds, which was a far-fetched goal at the time I made it. Yay me! Now I deal with other issues. I have zero ass, so whenever I sit on anything without a cushion I'm miserable because I'm sitting bone on chair, floor etc. I never thought that would be a serious issue. I really thought my fibromyalgia would get better with weight loss but, on some days I really believe it it worse. I thought that more weight equaled more pain, but I was wrong. It's just as bad, if not worse. Sleeping is no better either. I hate taking Ambien but, I hate not sleeping for days even more so I take the Ambien. I haven't written in so long, I feel a rush of things to wanting to explode out of my typing fingers! Where to start. Kait is 17 years old now. She got a temporary position at JCP (formally known as J.C. Penny) for the holidays. From October until the beginning of January my baby girl worked very hard earning her very own spending money and she was exhausted but relatively happy, I think. Of course, still lazy as hell, but I pick my battles. She's on the right track to graduate on time, taking many extra classes and getting extra help from a few caring educators at her school. She has her learners permit and since the Ravens won the Superbowl on Sunday, that will be paid for courtesy of a bet won by her Dad. She's still pulling her hair like crazy, but that's nothing compared to some of the other issues like college and driving. That feels a bit more "normal". Clifford is amazing as ever. He works and works and works to take care of us and he does a great job. He has finally got on to day shift so we get to sleep together every single night, although that also means I have to expect a "come on line" every single night as well. Most of the time I simply say "tomorrow" and usually uphold my promise the next bedtime with a little something. I have just dropped Kait off at school. I'm sitting her with the cats and the dogs, watching the news after frantically searching the internet to find this blog! I really thought I had lost it. I have had this overwhelming need to write for a few days now. I feel like if it's on the computer screen it's out of me. That's a good thing, I think. I'm hoping to make it a goal to come here at least once a day and type out the significant thing of the day. So that's it for now.