I fail. I fail. I fail. I fail!

OMG! Everything is making me fucking crazy! I mean EVERYTHING! Whats wrong with me? I need new meds I think! I cant remember shit, I mean important shit! Why? I want to break stuff! Why? I want to be alone! Why? I hate everything and everybody! Why? I'm so sick of being me. The only thing that keeps me from not being here is Kait. If I didnt have her..... Oh shut up, I'm NOT really going to do anything stupid! Duh...didnt you read the "magic" word? If not re-read dumbass! I said IF! Ill march on with this fucking unforgiving urge to go crazy because I dont want to hurt her. I hate how I feel right now! GOD! Oh, is there a "god"? I aint seen no proof yet! All I see is the devil every fuckin where I look! I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm sick. I'm hateful. I'm mean. I'm poor. I'm trying.....I fail. I fail. I fail. I fail!

Bless his little heart

Good God, my bi-polar is acting up like nobodys business! SUPER high highs and SUPER low lows. Oh! and all that in 1/2 an hour. Poor Cliff. Bless his little heart.

thats it I'M GANGSTA!

I have an appointment to go to the "Fat Farm" Wednesday....that's what I call it....The Fat Farm. The place you are forced to go to before WLS (Weight Loss Surgery). 9:00am. Fun. Usually lasts 2-3 hours. We sit in a group of 6-8, nod our heads in that "ohhhhhh......thats great information" way so that we look interested. I know I should be taking this much more serious, but you cant help how you feel! Thats my motto. "You cant help how you feel" oh! and "It's easier to apologize then to ask for permission" but I dont think that has any relevance here. My etsy has picked up a little. I went out on a limb and started my own BNR (Buy and replace). I'm nooooo good at promo. Ugh! I'm NOT giving up though. I dont give up! Oh yea, except for that weight loss thing. That makes me give up every time! well....back to work with paper and a glue stick!

Kisses to my bitches and hugs to my thugs....lmao....that sounded SUPER gangta coming from this little (uh little vertically) white 35y/o fat chick! lmao....thats it I'M GANGSTA!

They make me feel not so alone

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Yesterday I made the decision to really buckle down and get this diet thing going thanks to an invite for Elif! I feel really inspired reading the posts from the ladies involved in this project. They make me feel not so alone. I have decided to weigh myself only on Mondays since I weighed in yesterday. I ate relatively healthy today but could have done better and I definatly need to incorporate some excercise into my daily activites. Tomorrow my goal is to find a good diet and go food shopping.

I should be dong much more around this house but....what can I say?

So....long time no, um .... type! Lets see, I should be doing more around this house bu whats new. I quit my job after surgery and I LOVE it! I'm home all day, beading. Yep started beading and I love that too. =)I should be dong much more around this house but....what can I say? My poor kitty, Liddel had a stillborn kitten 2 nights agon....very sad. Only one baby, weird. Now shes not feeling well, bless her heart! =(

Here is the link to my new jewelry..... I LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions.

I dont wanna make breakfast,or go to the store, or do Kaits hair.

Here we go with another one of those effin days! I stayed in my room all day yesterday,so did Kait, but shes sick. Cliff woke me up at 10:15 talkin about wanting to give me some love. Some love? Some love would be letting me freakin sleep...geez! I'm grouchy as hell! I wish everyone would just go somewhere! I know that sounds terrible but its how I feel. I dont wanna make breakfast,or go to the store, or do Kaits hair. I dont wanna shower or get out of bed. I think when Cliff goes back to work I'm going to send Kait to her Dads for a while. If I can hang in there that long! I just wanna be alone! I have a headache, my neck and shoulders are KILLING me and I have the poops from the laxative I took yesterday. My battery is about to die...I'm out.

Lose weight to get fat surgery, if thats not an oxymoron, I dont know what is

I'm so crazy...I really need to stop pretending that I dont need a psychiatrist...lol...cause I do! Anyway...got a lot of phone stuff done for surgery today. Then comes the fact that I have to "fudge" a food log all the way back to March! I suck! I started, then got mad at myself and stopped. I dislocated my knee at work in April so I've become addicted to stupid Facebook games and eating. I have gained weight and now that I'm back on track (appt.-wise) I need to lose about 15-20lbs. Lose weight to get fat surgery, if thats not an oxymoron, I dont know what is...lmao! ;)~ I'm so deprssed I dont know what to do with myself...just thought seeing some words in black and white might help.