hateful

I love how I wasn't updated on my moms hospital status before it was plastered on Facebook.

stressed

Moms on the hospital.  I think she's faking. I feel guilty about my feelings, but it's how I feel.  I love her with all my heart, I just don't know how to deal with her.  She keeps "going out", passing out I guess.  Maybe I just don't understand. #stressed

Mom is mean, really, really mean.

Just realized I think I only come here to cry, whine and complain!  Welp! No sense in changing things up!  I'm in a little pain this morning.  Woke up at 5:00am to throbbing pain in my right shoulder, but after a bit of time with the heating pad and some Advil, I feel a little better.  My plan is to go to the grocery store this morning and get some couponing done.  We will see how that goes!  It's supposed to be 90' today.  In October.  Really?  Can we get a little fall weather please?  I miss Cliff like crazy, but need some alone time too.  This is good for us while I am waiting for insurance to kick in.  I'm not exactly the nicest person when I have no medication and I admit that I probably am the meanest to Cliff.  I'm sure it's because he's the one who will take my shit from me but only so much.  He knows right when to back off.

The other "big" thing in my life is planning my mother's 60th birthday party.  Not happy about this but feel obligated since we threw one for my Pop, who is my stepfather.  Mom is mean, really, really mean.  I have a strong feeling that during this party I will be humiliated by her, or my sister.  My sister decides this party will take place on Oct. 19th, which is also a date when my club was going to throw a haunted hayride.  That also means that many people invited who show up because they have prior plans to go to the haunted hayride.  So I have to give up the thing I want to do for the thing that I REALLY do not want to do.  My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease a few months ago so now my sister thinks that everything she says and does is excusable, but the doctors says as long as she takes the medication as directed she should see no symptoms.  So is she not taking her meds or is just a hateful woman?  We will see I guess.

Anyway....off to finish couponing. PEACE!

Sitting in the Holiday Inn Express playing Facebook games and eating my way through the day

Sitting in the Holiday Inn Express playing Facebook games and eating my way through the day. 

There is a gym downstairs, I should utilize it!  My legs hurt, my neck hurts and I'm extra tired.  I hate this Fibromyalgia!  Poor Clifford was confronted yesterday and asked if he was fired for sexual harassment.  Really?  That means that someone at home has talked to someone at Sheetz.  WTF.  This will never end, I'm sure of that.  So now we will just stress until the stress kills us, one way or another.  I wish I could find a cure for the Fibro or find a legitimate computer job that will allow me to sit and work as I can.  That will probably never happen either.  I just wanna live our lives like normal people!  My emotions are in an uproar today, I cant stand it!!

I really wonder if everyone who keeps a journal, or diary actually writes everything they want to.

7:37am.  My first thought after a VERY restless night?  Go outside and get the papers!  Get the neighbors too, those fools probably don't even know how to read!  The neighbor to my right has moved out and the neighbor to my left leaves piles of newspapers until they eventually throw them out!  Well, no sense in that when I can use those coupons!  I open up one of the papers and JACKPOT!  Four inserts in one of them!  YES!  These are the things that make me happy which, in turn makes me motivated.  Laundry started and dishes started! Life is good.  Better than yesterday anyway.  Yesterday, I had so much anxiety that I actually went back to bed, no sleep, of course but was hoping to feel better.  Today I have almost no anxiety, but I can feel the beginnings of some painful legs.  Screw you fibromyalgia!  On a completely different note.  I really wonder if everyone who keeps a journal, or diary actually writes everything they want to.  I don't.  Ever since my very first little, purple, lockable diary at 11 years old, I have never wrote everything I wanted to.

  How liberating it would be if I could, but that worry that the wrong person would find my words and they might ruin my life freaks me out!  On that note, there are many, many thoughts stuck inside the file folders in my head.

Peace I'm out!

She stresses me out so bad. I just never know when she will be a loose cannon and blow.

Heading out to Aunt Debbie's house to visit before we head to Wing Night.  A few girls from my motorcycle club volunteer to cook/serve wings at the local VFW every Thursday night in exchange for 2 hours once a month for meeting space.  We have a blast, too bad we don't get paid for it. =)  My sister texted me and told me that my mom will be there.  She stresses me out so bad.  I just never know when she will be a loose cannon and blow.  My brother is in town for a few hours.  He's in the U.S. Air Force and we rarely see him.  It's been two years almost exactly since I've seen him and I was about 110lbs heavier.  Kinda excited to show of the new me, but stressed about this fucked up broke tooth I have in the front of my face right now.  He'd be the one to call me out.  So that's my big stressor right now.  Whatever!  It is what it is.  I spend an hour or two and go on home.

I've never kept a close friend close for more than 5 years.

O.C. Bike Week last week was AMAZING.  Some ups and downs, but whatever.  We had a great time and I feel like I made some new forever friends.  That's always a plus for me since I've never kept a close friend close for more than 5 years.  Why? Who knows.  I'm just one of those people.  As I get older, I think about that often, whether or not it's important to have "forever friends".  I think it is, but I'm not 100% sold on the idea.  On that note, some pretty close friends are looking at the house next door.  Would that be good or bad?  Probably both.  I like my space.  At times, I am a hermit and don't want to be bothered for days at a time.  Other times, I would prefer my phone to steadily drive me crazy with text messages and for my facebook to be blown up with new notifications.  Anyway, Clifford is away at work, only 3 nights this week since Monday and Tuesday were vacay days.  I try to go with him every other week since this house would probably fall down or explode if I went every week.  Kait is a hot damn mess, with her lazy ass.  I feel bad for her roommate if she ever moves out, cause wow, old girl is not a housekeeper, that's for sure!  Aside from that, I think she is becoming an amazing adult.  She's going to college 3 days a week and working the other 4.  She has her drivers license and is hardly every home, living a good young adult life and making memories.  She does, however check in and get permission before doing practically anything with her friends.  She respects me like that.  I think that's pretty cool.  Anyway, feeling ok I guess, kinda blah, but ok.

 

Adios, until next time.....whenever that might be. -hugs