I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

So I'm sitting here after taking Kait to school, sick as hell (head cold) and have decided to throw Cliff a surprise 43rd birthday party. In two weeks. I love planning parties, and if anyone deserves it, it's my Clifford! Off I go, furiously texting my BFF to get this party planning started! As always, I can count on her. She's always there for me. Jenn. Jenn has only been my BFF for about 2 years. She's my grown up BFF. The family girl with relateable problems! Love her. Here we go, planning a Ravens themed birthday party for Cliff. I want a Ravens thong cake that I saw in the internet. We will see how that goes. Next, where to have this Ravens party. Maybe at the recreation room provided by the office of our mobile home park. For only $75 and a $200 deposit they will let you borrow their good sized party room. Just don't fuck up the walls like I did for Kait's 16th birthday part or you'll be running home and pulling out all your craft paints, mixing, mixing, mixing them to match the colors on the wall to replace the cheap paint you just pulled off with a little tape. What a nightmare. In the end, I did get my $200 deposit back with no mention of the little paint mishap. Success! So, onward with the party planning. Who to invite. I'm not friends with alot of Cliff's friends so I will need to depend on others to help me out with that. His mom, Marcia (I call her Mom) will most likely be a huge help as well as Jenn. She's pretty amazing too. I need a nap, I think. Oh! And some money so that I can plan a party.

It's been almost a year and a half since I had my gastric bypass surgery. I'm down to approximately 132 pounds, that's a loss of about 114 pounds. I did get down to 124 at one point but, well... you know how that goes. I didn't really expect to get this low. My original goal was 140 pounds, which was a far-fetched goal at the time I made it. Yay me! Now I deal with other issues. I have zero ass, so whenever I sit on anything without a cushion I'm miserable because I'm sitting bone on chair, floor etc. I never thought that would be a serious issue. I really thought my fibromyalgia would get better with weight loss but, on some days I really believe it it worse. I thought that more weight equaled more pain, but I was wrong. It's just as bad, if not worse. Sleeping is no better either. I hate taking Ambien but, I hate not sleeping for days even more so I take the Ambien. I haven't written in so long, I feel a rush of things to wanting to explode out of my typing fingers! Where to start. Kait is 17 years old now. She got a temporary position at JCP (formally known as J.C. Penny) for the holidays. From October until the beginning of January my baby girl worked very hard earning her very own spending money and she was exhausted but relatively happy, I think. Of course, still lazy as hell, but I pick my battles. She's on the right track to graduate on time, taking many extra classes and getting extra help from a few caring educators at her school. She has her learners permit and since the Ravens won the Superbowl on Sunday, that will be paid for courtesy of a bet won by her Dad. She's still pulling her hair like crazy, but that's nothing compared to some of the other issues like college and driving. That feels a bit more "normal". Clifford is amazing as ever. He works and works and works to take care of us and he does a great job. He has finally got on to day shift so we get to sleep together every single night, although that also means I have to expect a "come on line" every single night as well. Most of the time I simply say "tomorrow" and usually uphold my promise the next bedtime with a little something. I have just dropped Kait off at school. I'm sitting her with the cats and the dogs, watching the news after frantically searching the internet to find this blog! I really thought I had lost it. I have had this overwhelming need to write for a few days now. I feel like if it's on the computer screen it's out of me. That's a good thing, I think. I'm hoping to make it a goal to come here at least once a day and type out the significant thing of the day. So that's it for now.

"break up" with food

So, its been quite a while since I've been here last. Lots has happened since. I FINALLY got gastric bypass surgery and am very pleased. It was very hard at first. I had a very challenging period where I had to "break up" with food. I know that sounds crazy, but that is the best way I can describe it. I am finally at a point where I feel somewhat comfortable with my food choices, only struggling with protein. I never get enough protein. My hair is falling out very bad. I only wash my hair about 2 times a week and brush it only 1 time a day, because both of those things tend to pull out alot of hair......too much. It's scary, but I dont express my feeling about losing hair openly, because of Kait's struggles with her hair. On a good note, I have lost 77lbs in about 4.5 months. I'm very bored with my life right now. So bored, in fact, that I have started obsessively started cleaning. Anyone who knows the true me, knows that I have always been super lazy when it comes to house cleaning. Now, thats what I do. I clean and cook. I've taken an extra special liking to baking (even though I dont eat anything I bake). I like to make up my own recipes and expierment with toppings and fillings. My family doesnt particularly like baked goods so I always end up throwing some away. My mental state has been pretty rocky lately....as usual. =) That's when I usually come here. I dont like to openly talk about my mental state, and writing here kinda feels like I'm talking to someone. Anyway, thats it. That is all.....for now.

I fail. I fail. I fail. I fail!

OMG! Everything is making me fucking crazy! I mean EVERYTHING! Whats wrong with me? I need new meds I think! I cant remember shit, I mean important shit! Why? I want to break stuff! Why? I want to be alone! Why? I hate everything and everybody! Why? I'm so sick of being me. The only thing that keeps me from not being here is Kait. If I didnt have her..... Oh shut up, I'm NOT really going to do anything stupid! Duh...didnt you read the "magic" word? If not re-read dumbass! I said IF! Ill march on with this fucking unforgiving urge to go crazy because I dont want to hurt her. I hate how I feel right now! GOD! Oh, is there a "god"? I aint seen no proof yet! All I see is the devil every fuckin where I look! I'm tired. I'm fat. I'm sick. I'm hateful. I'm mean. I'm poor. I'm trying.....I fail. I fail. I fail. I fail!

Bless his little heart

Good God, my bi-polar is acting up like nobodys business! SUPER high highs and SUPER low lows. Oh! and all that in 1/2 an hour. Poor Cliff. Bless his little heart.

thats it I'M GANGSTA!

I have an appointment to go to the "Fat Farm" Wednesday....that's what I call it....The Fat Farm. The place you are forced to go to before WLS (Weight Loss Surgery). 9:00am. Fun. Usually lasts 2-3 hours. We sit in a group of 6-8, nod our heads in that "ohhhhhh......thats great information" way so that we look interested. I know I should be taking this much more serious, but you cant help how you feel! Thats my motto. "You cant help how you feel" oh! and "It's easier to apologize then to ask for permission" but I dont think that has any relevance here. My etsy has picked up a little. I went out on a limb and started my own BNR (Buy and replace). I'm nooooo good at promo. Ugh! I'm NOT giving up though. I dont give up! Oh yea, except for that weight loss thing. That makes me give up every time! well....back to work with paper and a glue stick!

Kisses to my bitches and hugs to my thugs....lmao....that sounded SUPER gangta coming from this little (uh little vertically) white 35y/o fat chick! lmao....thats it I'M GANGSTA!

They make me feel not so alone

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Yesterday I made the decision to really buckle down and get this diet thing going thanks to an invite for Elif! I feel really inspired reading the posts from the ladies involved in this project. They make me feel not so alone. I have decided to weigh myself only on Mondays since I weighed in yesterday. I ate relatively healthy today but could have done better and I definatly need to incorporate some excercise into my daily activites. Tomorrow my goal is to find a good diet and go food shopping.